We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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