i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
