Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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