I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Even my vagina gasped.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
