I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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