I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
