omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize