remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
