Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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