My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
