DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
