i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
