we have officially lost it.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
