I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
