I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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