I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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