Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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