Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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