Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just invented taco cereal.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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