The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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