Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
