I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
