so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
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I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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