everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have tasted many bathrooms
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
