remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
