i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
