He uses pillows to masturbate.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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