Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
