new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
