We named our party play list daddy issues
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
