i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
