I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
