genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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