What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
