drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
