Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
