just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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