My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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