the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
