I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
