Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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