There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
