it was like having sex with a tree stump
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
