She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he shaved USA in his pubs
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
