party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
