I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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