I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
