I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
