Your dad touched me again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
