We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
