he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize