Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
