I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
