I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
