I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
