thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
