Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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